My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
