Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
