He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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