Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
