the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
