I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
