I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
