How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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