I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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