i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
