i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
honey bunches of taint.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
