So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
