you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
