We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
