his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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