its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
