I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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