I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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