One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
