fuck your aforementioned shoe
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Floor bacon is actually really good
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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