I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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