I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
