i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just pee around me
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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