I need to stop coming to work sober
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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