If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
