Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
