I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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