How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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