Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
