On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
