i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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