I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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