i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize