I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize