the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
