I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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