he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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