I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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