you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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