he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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