you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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