it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
