seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
