So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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