I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize