it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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