Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
