Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
try to milk me bitch
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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