we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
