Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize