i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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