Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
