I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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