I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
