talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
please come you make the beer taste better
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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