it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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