so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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