I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
